Reflections on a Monday Night

Last night, I wrote a rather depressing blog post and I didn’t want to leave it there. Hence, I thought I needed to do a follow-up, which I should warn may not be that pretty but hopefully useful for some people.

I should tell you exactly what happened last night and what I was thinking. The whole week hasn’t been that good for me, both emotionally and mentally. I know I went out and met friends and had dinner. I could still muster enough energy to take an interest in the lives of others… until last night. I went to church but it wasn’t really one of those happy days where I wanted to be all cheerful and talkative. By the time I got to church, I was looking to sit in the back corner so I didn’t have to talk to anyone. It worked…for a while. A friend sat next to me and for the life of me I just had to get up and get out of church. I honestly didn’t know why I did that but I walked out of the church and decided to go for a walk around the block.

The real trouble was when I came back after church. Look, I know this is where many people give me weird looks like I am selfish, crazy or just stupid. I came out of the church doors again after the service but I didn’t walk very far. I didn’t want to go home. I don’t know why but I just sat outside the church and just sat there for half an hour. I know what some people may think, that I am there to be seen, to be heard, and that I want the attention. Perhaps a subconscious part of me is thinking that exact thought. However, when I was sitting out there, it was a different story going through my head.

I may be wanting to cry out to people for help, but I certainty wasn’t in my right mind to go back into church and ask for help. Seriously, I think the only thing that I was thinkinf about was just sitting there and spacing out. Mind you, that didn’t exactly work because a few minutes later, the guilt and the shame of my sin and my depression can like a wave rushing into my mind. For the first time in weeks, I actually had suicidal thoughts. Failing that, I wanted to get a razor blade and harm myself just so I can distract myself from the feelings of despair and self-hate. As time passed, I admit that I was more depressed that no one had noticed or cared. I know it is a really bad thing to say and I am in no way blaming anyone else. I don’t think it was fair for me to point fingers at others when they are going about their lives. I am just trying to recount what depression can do to my thoughts even more than it was already doing. I felt more alone and more helpless.

So I finally felt like I hit rock bottom. I eventually broke down and I felt like all the tears that I had suppressed just came rushing back up and I couldn’t hold onto any dignity I had left. But then something happened. God continued to work in my life. Even when I am too blind, too engrossed in my own pitiful problems, God knew. One person had noticed and took note of me. I had never felt God closer than having a glimpse of heaven happen on earth. People often ask where is God when it hurts. I would say that God is with us because His people become the messengers and the vessels of which God’s love, God’s mercy and God’s grace flowed through.

So where do I sit at this point? I would be lying to you if I said that all of my struggles or depression has been solved. I know it is going to be a long journey ahead. And I know that that moment I had on the church doorsteps, those kitchen moments will still come at me in the future. I don’t have all the answers and I know that when people ask me about my depression and my sins, I can only say that I am on the journey of recovery. I am still learning to trust God as my rock and foundation. I am still learning to let God take the reins of my life. I am still learning to sacrifice my freedoms for the sake of others. I don’t know where I sit at the moment, but I do know that God had never forsake me.